The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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