I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You're like the curious george of whores
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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