i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
my poor anus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
