You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
