I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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