Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
