I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
