question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
