mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
