girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
