apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
