then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
