if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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