My cat gives me a boner
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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