maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
