I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
