I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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