My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
