Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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