ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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