she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
