I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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