Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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