Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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