I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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