I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
