I just threw up on my dentist
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
