You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
