how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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