i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
