I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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