Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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