he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Come on in and take your pants off
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
