Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
