Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
