god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
