We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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