You're a womanizer and a bitch.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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