Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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