She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
