I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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