If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
