one might say we're banned from that church
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
