I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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