smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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