and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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