Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
