Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
