i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
