I think i sorta joined a cult last night
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
