Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
