my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
