Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
