tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
