nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
