Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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