Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
