I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
