I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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